Four plus one plus one
by Linneagb
Summary: Four times young Sirius Black tried not to care what his family thought, the fifth time he'd had enough. And the sixth time he realized who his real family- members were.


**This story is told from Sirius' point of view.**

They didn't even come to wave me goodbye at my first travel from platform nine and three quarters.

Not that I cared much for it, I never liked them much anyway.

But it was just that… seeing those travelling away for a long time with their parents, with their siblings, seeing a sort of beautiful red-haired girl standing getting hugged by her parents while who must be her sister forced a smile.

At least that sister forced and tried.

I was just all alone.

And wasn't my trunk just way too heavy for me to carry and…

"Oops." I had been so far gone in my own thoughts I had walked right into another boy and ended up falling right over him. "Oh damn. I'm sorry…" I quickly got onto my feet… well, tried to- and accidentally in the moves kneed him right in the groin. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

Why couldn't I ever do something right?

Geez, first time ever away from my family and the first thing I do is make a fool out of myself.

"I'm sorry…"

"No." The boy was half laughing half moaning but still got onto his feet before me, although still holding a hand towards his groin. "Well… you seem interesting if I may say it myself- we should be frie… ehrm. Sorry." The boy took a step to the side and looked at something behind me, I turned and saw the red-haired girl I had just seen along with another dark- haired boy.

"Hey- guy who just fell over me, move out of the way. Will you?"

For a split second I still didn't get what the boy with the dark, tousled hair and glasses had told me. Then I jumped up on my feet so the girl and the other boy could pass us.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall right over you like that." I apologized and took my heavy trunk while I got onto my feet again. "Interesting you say? You should probably never want to see me again?"

It wasn't that anybody did though. Why did I just talk… couldn't I just shut up?

"Well… The saying goes us Potter's do have a strange way of making friends where we least expect it and in the ways we least expect." The boy took his trunk too and I followed him on the way through the train aisle between filled up coupes and windows. "I heard some story about…. I think it's better I don't tell that one. Anyway…" He stopped by a coupé with an open door. "We didn't make a very good first impression but everywhere else is full. May I and… him… sit here?"

 _Make friends with the Slytherin's. The pure blood's. They can help you._

For a moment I was hesitating if I should follow the boy into the coupe and found something else. I could probably found some Slytherin's if I made my way through the train. That Malfoy- guy or somebody else that my parents would approve of. Then of course, he had been to Hogwarts before so if I made friends with him he could show me around and everything.

But of course, I didn't know him. It was only his parents knew mine and I had met him a few times. And what six- year- student, prefect upon that would want to talk at all to a first- year- student like me.

"Are you coming in here or were you going somewhere else?"

I turned back to the boy again and, without answering hurried after him. With a gathering of strength I managed to lift my bag up on the shelf over the seats, the boy however seemed to do it easily and then put a big, metal cage with an owl on one of the seats.

"I just have to go say goodbye to my parents. I'll be back in a second."

The boy left and I could see him outside the window. The dark- haired boy and red- haired girl that were sitting by the window were talking, but to quietly for me to hear about what. I could see the boy with the glasses stepping out from the train though and over to who must be his parents. A man with the same, tousled, dark hair as his son. And when the woman must have felt me watching her she turned her head towards me, somehow even with the distance in between us I could see she had the same hazel brown eyes.

The boy was laughing, gesturing towards me and then laughing even more. I should maybe have been ashamed, but this was something else than how my family laughed and snorted at me at exactly everything I did. Then he laid his hands over his groin and fell on purpose and showed how I had accidentally kicked him.

He was too far away for me to hear him, but I could see his mum turning towards me again and smiling in a way that my mum never smiled. And then the dad mostly laughing along with his son before he hugged the both of his parents and came running back to the train. From when he disappeared from my sight until he came into the coupé again and slumped down across the seat on the other side of the hallway from me just as the train started moving and he happily waved at his parents while we left the station.

"My name is James by the way." He looked around the coupé. "James Potter." His owl suddenly hooted where she stood and half- waved with her wings as much as she could inside her cage. "I can't let you out now Sophie. I can't let you out all day. I told you that didn't I?" James kept on talking to his Sophie and dug up some pieces of bread from his backpack and handed it through the bars of the cage.

"That poor owl." The girl commented. "Can't you just let her out? Look, the windows can be opened."

"No, mum told me to keep her in her cage today until we are at Hogwarts. Otherwise she might lose her way and then I'll never see her again." He pulled out another piece of bread out of his bag and- if an owl could glare at him that would be what Sophie did. "I'm sorry, that's all we've got. Now… I told you my name."

"I'm Lily." The girl said and gestured towards the boy she had been with. "This is my friend Severus."

I was on my way to say my name, hesitating slightly about the last name. The name "Black" was quite high status among people who cared for blood status, we were pure bloods through hundreds of generations and my aunt hadn't been met or even talked about since she married a muggleborn. I liked aunt Andromeda though, it was just that my family didn't.

Then as I was on my way still hesitating there was another knock on the coupé door and two boys came in. One of them had thick, brown hair, the other one was short and quite fat.

"Excuse us." The brown- haired one asked. "Everywhere else is full."

"Suit yourselves." James answered before neither I nor any of the others had anything to say about it. The brown haired smiled and nodded back while the both stepped in and he lifted both of their bags up on the shelves. "We were just introducing ourselves. I'm James, and this is Severus and Lily. And you?"

"My name is Remus and this is Peter."

I couldn't help but frown slightly. It wasn't that I didn't want Remus or Peter in here for a reason or anything. It was just that for a moment James had looked so much like everybody else I knew. Shouldn't the boy and girl by the window had answered if someone else should sit here? They had been here first. Instead they still hadn't said a word and James had happily welcomed them in while he also stood up to lift Sophie and her cage up on the shelf.

"Now I think about it." He looked towards me while Remus and Peter sat down on the middle seats. "You never told me your name. It can't be that bad. Can it?" He smirked slightly. But in another kind of way than my brother would, and with a sort of kind and warm look in his brown eyes.

If someone would have looked at me the way Regulus, mum and dad did there was no way I would get to know them on this train ride. I had just gotten away from all of that. Why would I want to go straight into it with somebody else?

After all, this train ride could probably sort out how my whole life might turn out.

"I'm Sirius."

"Serious?" James looked back at me in confusion. "About what? Don't you want to tell us your name?"

I promise anyone would give me that name only for the exact same thing to happen every single time I told someone my name. It's not like my parents weren't people who would do something like that though.

Maybe they could see already at the moment I was born I wouldn't be like them.

"No. My name- it's Sirius. S-I-R-I-U-S."

James nodded and kept talking, with me- with the other guys, with Lily. I wasn't so sure, I was only listening with half an ear while I looked out the window on the lands we were passing by towards Hogwarts.

I wasn't exactly a part of my family. But when I looked around on the other five people in the room I had a feeling that maybe, maybe I could break lose from the world that I was leaving to make a new world of my own. Make some friends, and enemies for that matter.

Maybe find something more important than pure blood or most high-status job in the magic world.

I could always dream. But then of course, if the dreams wouldn't have scared me, they wouldn't have been big enough.

 **XXX**

While I was quite happy of being sorted into Gryffindor such as the guys I had befriended on the train towards Hogwarts. But the whole night I had been lying twisting and turning, knowing there was no way my parents, especially my mum would accept it.

It wouldn't surprise me if she came around and dragged me over to the Slytherin table herself.

"Look." James looked up from his breakfast- bacon when we all could hear the sound of flapping wings. "Post is here."

James' mouth dropped open, I couldn't help but to too feel quite impressed when hundreds of owls in grey, brown and black came storming into the great hall under the bewitched ceiling, today blue and without a cloud. But then, I forgot all about today's weather when I could see my dad's huge, black owl Roman in the group with a dark red envelope hanging from his claws.

"A howler? Why would someone get a howler already? We only came to Hogwarts last nights and classes only start after lunch today."

James looked quite surprise when Roman landed in front of us and pushed both my, his own, Remus and Peter's glasses with pumpkin juice over holding the howler towards me. I saw he was wondering, but knew I wouldn't have to give him an answer myself when I slowly and with shaky hands took the red envelope and pulled a deep breath before I opened it.

"SIRIUS BLACK."

My mother's voice sounded a million times louder than what it would if I was standing right next to her from the dark red sheet of paper.

"HOW DARE YOU? YOU FILTHY BLOOD TRAITOR. YOU ARE NO SON OF MINE…"

I put my elbow towards the table, rested my chin in my head and tried to ignore how everybody else in the great hall had silent while my mother's voice went on and on for minute after minute.

-..YOUR BROTHER WON'T EVER BE LIKE THIS. YOU'LL SEE NEXT YEAR. HE WILL MAKE US PROUD…"

I closed my eyes when she continued after talking about Regulus. It was not like she needed another reason to let me know who of us was a disappointment. And I realized I never knew a howler could be so long when it must have went on for at least ten minutes before…

"….DON'T YOU DARE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN."

At last the letter lit itself on fire and disappeared in smoke. But the silence that followed kept ringing in my ears. I didn't dare to look up at the guys, they'd probably never want to talk to me again after finding out what I was a part of whether I wanted it or not

"You deserved it."

I did recognize the voice before I turned. Then I turned and saw Lucius Malfoy with his long, light blonde hair on the other side of the great hall with a frown towards me and his cold, grey eyes looking into mine.

Even Roman's yellow owl- eyes looked disappointed while his wing wiped me in the face when he lifted and flew away again.

For a moment I hesitated, then, as I felt a lump rising in my throat I got onto my feet and ran out of the hallway ignoring James's voice calling out for me.

"Sirius? Where are you going? Come on. Wait up, let me talk to you."

Talk about what? So that he could tell me he wanted nothing else to do with me like everybody else before him?

I could feel everybody's eyes on me and couldn't shake the feeling off coming out into the empty hallway.

"Sirius?"

When I heard James' behind me I ran, and ran to the right, ran to the left, ran to the left again and straight forward. I had no idea where I was going, but it was all empty and at last I sunk down on a low bench by the wall just around a corner.

I had tried to stop them but tears were streaming down my cheeks. I had finally tried and made my life on my own and now nobody would want anything to do with me…

The tears turned into sobs and I leaned forward and put my head in my hands, a part of me kept saying to ignore my mum and that she didn't matter. That I didn't want to go home for Christmas anyway.

But another part told me that I was still only eleven years old and needed my parents. This thought sent me into another round of sobbing.

I just wanted to run away, run away and leave everything behind. Make a whole new life without anyone here and certainly without my family.

"There you are." I jumped when suddenly James came running around the corner. "Why did you just run off like that? I tried to talk to you."

Great! Yet another person to think I did everything wrong. As if the rest weren't enough.

"Was that your mum?" I could tell James knew I was crying, how could he not. I was silent and with my head turned away from him but still with tears streaming down my cheeks. At last I took a deep breath, did my best to wipe the tears with my hands, turned towards him and nodded slightly.

"Yeah. It was."

"Oh…"

James frowned and leaned his head back against the wall. None of us said anything at all for a bit and the silence gave me a moment to wipe away the last of the tears from my cheeks with my hands- I felt myself turning bright red.

"I'm sorry…"

I hate crying!

" _Crying? ONCE AGAIN? CRYBABY. YOU ARE NO SON OF MINE."_

"Sorry? For what?" James only looked questioning back at me. "For crying? If my mum talked to me like that I would be crying a ton worse than you are now. Like some sort of opposite hyena or something…"

"Opposite hyena…" I couldn't help but laugh slightly even though, annoyingly enough new tears kept on rising in my eyes. I would probably have tried to express myself in the same way ever until a couple of days ago- I didn't get why I was crying all of a sudden.

" _YOU OVERGROWN BABY. STOP CRYING."_

I tried to fight away what my mum or dad would say, tried to shut out the sound of their voices that I knew so well… If I could only have taken away all of it, forget to make my very own future without them. They didn't want me anyway.

And that last thought had even more, new tears rising.

"There you are." I didn't have time to come up with anything else before suddenly Remus and Peter suddenly came around the corner, Remus was holding one bag in each hand and came to hand them over. "You two forgot your bags. We tried to follow you but… you disappeared."

"Who… was… that?" Our shortest friend asked, while he was leaned against the wall and out of breath from running after us. "That… letter?"

"My mother."

I answered, quickly before I had the time to hesitate. Without saying anything more about what was her opinions that had made her send that howler.

"She…" I hesitated, knowing I had to say something more but having trouble with finding the right words. "Has some opinions… I don't share them with her, or the rest of my family. Even though, I totally understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore after that… letter and all of that shouting."

"I'm not spending every day of the nearest seven years along with your mum." James said dryly with a cold tone in his voice. "I'm spending every day of the nearest seven years with you. Therefore it matters more to me what you think and feel, than what your mother think and feel. And I haven't met her. But from what I know so far I kind of think she's a…. oh. Professor Dumbledore."

"Mr. Potter…" He was ignoring it, but I could see on the headmaster's face he had heard what James had said and understood how he had planned to say. "…Feel free to finish that sentence. I must say I'm quite curious of what word you were about to use…" James turned bright red. "…Mr. Black?"

"Yes." I sniveled, wiped off my cheeks with my hands one more time and sat up straight. "I'm so sorry for my mother's let… howler that interrupted everybody's breakfast. I really… I mean I… Sorry…. I don't know why my mother would do something like that… In front of everyone."

For a few moments that seemed endlessly long Professor Dumbledore only watched me over the top of his half- circle- shaped glasses. Looking at me in that way that made me feel as if he saw right through me and could see all my biggest secrets.

"I always found it good that while you're here- you're the ones in charge of what happens. And not your parents…" He looked around for a moment. I was hoping he would ask us to follow him so he could show us back to the great hall but instead he smiled towards me, slowly turned around and disappeared around the corner.

"He could have shown us the way back." Peter was obviously thinking the same. "We only just came here last night. How are we supposed to find?"

"There's a few hours before class starts." Remus said with a glance towards his watch. "Hold on, I just have to talk to him for a bit." He got up and ran towards the hallway Dumbledore had disappeared, then braked abruptly. "That's weird. He's gone. It's like he just went up in smoke."

"There should be a map." James said while Remus came to sit down back next to us. "First of all a map to help us find our way around. But also that shows who is where in the castle so we could find them when we need."

"That's actually not a bad idea."

I couldn't help to say it, that idea of the map brought my thoughts away from my family, the tears started drying towards my swollen, red cheeks and was shoved further and further back in my head while we all got up and tried to make our way back to the great hall. Making us more and more confused by every turn we made.

My guess for the moment if I would have made one would have been that my friends would all leave me and leave me to find my own way it would have been now.

They didn't, for a first sort of project together we did find our way back to the great hall all four of us together.

 **XXX**

Had Regulus been only a couple of weeks younger, he would have come to Hogwarts at the moment I started my third year…

The first night of my second year at Hogwarts I was more nervous than I had been a year ago when it was me. Last year I had been moving, heard the sorting hat whisper in my ear before he shouted for the whole school to hear.

Tonight I could only sit and watch, at least our names was at the beginning of the list so when the first year's came walking in I didn't have to wait for long. Abbott into Hufflepuff, Avery into Slytherin. And then…

"Regulus Black"

My brother, tall for his age, muscular and with his head held high walked over to the stool and sat down before Professor McGonagall placed the hat on top of his head. Just as she did Regulus's eyes met mine and there was no denying in his typical expression of believing he was the better student, the better brother, the better son and the better person than I was.

I had expected the hat to shout at the same moment he touched Regulus's dark hair.

But he didn't…

I wish I could have heard exactly what he said when he whispered into Regulus's ear, and remembered how nervous I'd been a year ago…

I couldn't hear of course, people around could only hear the one word when the sorting hat shouted out his final decision.

I could only see and watch while Regulus smirk sort of faded, a frown formed in his forehead while I could see his lips moving when he told the sorting hat something about where he wanted to be. Then that nervous biting- his- lip move and something that looked like fear sort of passed by on his look when I could spot him again looking towards me.

"SLYTHERIN."

Once that final word was shouted out loud for everyone to hear everybody by the Slytherin table started clapping and cheering out loud. Regulus's smirk returned towards me, before McGonagall pulled the hat of his head and he hurried towards the right table.

I didn't even know how to feel. I guess I had known this was the way it would end up. That Regulus would keep on proving he was the real child of his family and where he came from with a world of purebloods and Slytherins.

And I was not, and I was quite relieved I wouldn't have to see Regulus go through the same problems as me. So maybe I should have felt relieved too, and I guess I did.

Yet I couldn't help to feel a slight punch in my chest when I watched Regulus sit down and I could see someone- not who but someone from Slytherin reach out their hand and ruffle in Regulus hair- something like that I, as the brother I was should be able to do.

"Are you okay?"

James was watching me I suddenly noticed, and I felt him patting my shoulder and then turn away towards Regulus who had just sat down.

"You know… if your brother- and the rest of your family wants a close relationship with you then it's on their relationship as well. Not only yours."

 _But I'm the big brother._

 _But I could have been a better son_

"I know."

I didn't say what I was thinking, it wouldn't help anyone and James didn't have a part of my family's anyway. He had done everything he could with letting me come to his instead of staying at Hogwarts over Christmas, and making sure I knew I was always welcome at his.

After everything both he, Remus and Peter had done for me during the past year and how important they had made me feel I didn't want to bring up everything what my blood- related family did and then make my best friends feel bad for something they couldn't even control.

Family and best friends were just two completely split things and I would have to learn to keep them apart now a part of my nearest family was with me at Hogwarts too.

Because I knew for sure who I was in most fear of losing.

 **XXX**

A couple of weeks into the new year, only a day before the next full- moon- night it seemed that I had been right… I had told James over the summer what I was thinking of why Remus would "go home" once a month. And we had decided to keep quiet and check if it happened again to check if we had been right.

And as on a given signal, the last week or so before the full moon Remus was starting to look paler and paler, more and more tired. And then at last, on the lunch break on Friday it came with an owl who came with a letter to him.

We couldn't know what was in it, but he nodded at whatever it was.

"My mother's poorly again." He told me, James and Peter. "I'll have to go home over the weekend."

I counted to myself and gave James a meaning look while I figured that the next full moon would occur at night in between Saturday and Sunday. Remus turned back to his meal, but seemed to have trouble with getting each bite down and I and James both put our knives and forks down to…. Have a little talk.

Remus noticed the seriousness in the way we looked at him, Peter did too and silently watched us as he actually did most of the time.

"What? What is it? She'll be fine though." I and James once again sent meaning glances towards each other and fought a silent battle about who would start saying something. "She will be fine, I'll be back on Monday but I just have to go home and help my dad care for her."

"Stop it." I suddenly felt the words slip from my lips. "Remus… just stop it."

"Remy… you don't have to lie to us. We know that you're a wer…"

"SCH!"

Remus went if possible even paler than what he had been a minute ago and he dropped his fork to the plate with a bang while I noticed he was holding his breath and looking around.

"Not here…" He leaned closer to us and almost whispered. "It… it is a while until transfiguration start. Meet me in the dormitory once you're finished and I can explain it to you."

Without saying anything about if we were right or not, Remus got up from the table, grabbed his bag and hurried out of the great hall. I and James turned first to each other and then towards Peter who was still eating but with a confused look on his face.

"A wer- what?"

"Finish your meal." James said. "Then we'll explain it…" He looked around the room that was as usual filled up with people. "Remus was right- we'll go to the dorm. Where we can talk in private." Peter looked down on his plate that was still half full.

"I'm finished now."

We all stood up and took our bags, then hurried up to the Gryffindor tower where we found Remus sitting on his bed Indian style and not even looking up when we came in.

"We know that you're a werewolf." James said and Peter flinched in fear looking from us to Remus and back to us as if he couldn't believe it. "That you turn into one every month. Every time it's full moon. Every time you have to go home to care for your mum or go to the Diagon Alley or something else…."

"That's the way it is. Isn't it?" I continued while I, James and Peter sat down on each edge of Remus's bed. "You're a werewolf and that is the actual reason you go away every month."

It was silent for a few seconds.

"Yes."

Then it was silent again, I had met Fenrir Greyback and a couple of other werewolves through my parents but none of them had ever seemed as hurting and as vulnerable as Remus did right now sitting Indian style, looking down and still not up at any of us. As if he couldn't bear to look any of us in the eyes after all of the lies he'd told.

"Why didn't you just tell us the truth?" James asked after a bit in silence. "We're your best friends, it's not like we're going to stop being that because what you turn into once a month. At least I won't…" He looked up at me and Peter and I shook my head- of course not.

"None of us will." Remus sniveled and while still not looking up at us wiped his nose with his sleeve. "I just… Only one thing… I just want to know… do you actually leave the school every month? I mean... I don't know how it would be done I just... You've got to make sure you don't… bite anyone or anything like that… Right?" Remus nodded and at last looked up as all, from one to the other in silence at first. Then at last he took a deep breath and started telling.

"You know the Whomping willow?"

Now when Remus finally realized the three of us had figured out his secret everything came rolling out of him, how he- along with Madame Pomfrey from the hospital wing was sneaked out of the castle late evening once a month, and back in when the morning came. How the tunnel would lead him to the so called shrieking shack. How when the villagers thought they were hearing ghosts they were actually hearing him, he went on for a certain fifteen minutes- which was probably the longest James Potter had ever been quiet for.

"Why didn't you just tell us?" James asked again after a bit of silence- for the moment we had forgotten all about classes. "All of that… Maybe we could have helped you, instead of you being all alone… We could have found a way to help? Stop shaking your head at me. I'm going to find a way to help you."

"You can't help me. I'm sorry, but you can't. That's just the way it is."

"Don't say you're sorry." Remus had once again looked away as if he was ashamed of himself. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, and don't protest. I'm a Potter Remus- I won't give in that easily. If what I have to do is to stay up all night with a year's worth of chocolate for when you come up, back in this body- then I swear to you. I will do it."

"Me too." I said without hesitating and Peter nodded agreeing. "But… you obviously don't come back here… So where'd you go after you know… returning to your own body instead of the wolf's?"

I could see Peter looking towards the clock, we were meant to go to transfiguration class in only a few minutes. But no way was I letting this go now Remus had finally opened up and talked to us. And I was pretty sure James could wait.

Classes could wait, best friends could not.

"Madame Pomfrey helps me get to the hospital wing. I usually have a lot of scrapes and bites and…." Remus pulled up his sleeves and showed us scars from him biting himself in loss for anything else to turn on. "…Look… I heard that some people- some werewolves can actually control themselves, they've lived with it for so long they've learnt how. But I don't. I can't. I turn into a monster. I can't control myself. If you tried to help me I could just as well end up biting you. I don't want that- I wouldn't want that for anything in the world."

"Well then I'll sit up waiting in the hospital wing."

"You don't know what Madame Pomfrey's like. She'll never let anyone near. And I couldn't imagine she would make an exception for you when I'm clearly at my weakest."

"Then we'll use my invisibility cloak."

Remus didn't answer at what James said or at Peter and I nodded- if we had to even get in trouble for him than it would be what we would do every. Single. Month.

Slowly something changed in his expression. As if he finally understood we would really be there for him even though we had figured wat he had tried so hard to keep a secret. And several minutes passed by before finally he spoke again.

"We- I and my parents weren't even sure I would ever get to go here to Hogwarts. Ever since I was four and was bitten they have taken me to every kind of healer possible to try and find a cure but… there is none. And when Dumbledore visited us personally to explain to us in person how he had figured we would do this even my dad was crying with joy and relief…" He looked around the group and finally a small shadow of a smile passed over his face, even if so only for a second. "…I never thought I'd meet someone like you guys. So… when I forget to tell you then I want you to know I'm really grateful for everything you're doing for me… My life isn't some kind of sob story but I never really made any friends and… Not even when I knew I was coming here I figured I might… Then I helped Peter carrying his bag on the train last year and the rest is what we call history."

I thought I'd already known. That Remus had stated his age at the moment he was bitten almost confirmed it.

"It was Greyback. Wasn't it? Who bit you?"

It had slipped out before I could stop it.

" _I hate the ones that start fighting against me. A little kid fighting me- a werewolf…" Fenrir seemed so big and scary for four year old me even though I knew he wasn't after hurting me. "…The only ones I hate even more even are the parents or any adults that can't even fight me without their wands and you know… expelliarmus… stupefy… ha! Lame…"_

I couldn't be sure. But something told me that that time Fenrir had been over at ours, my mum and Kreacher treating his wounds from another full moon night…

Remus was the one he had bitten that one night wasn't it. I just couldn't quite remember at what time it had been…

"Yeah…" Remus's voice brought me back to here and now and he bat an eyebrow at me. "How did you know?"

For a moment I lost my breath, stuttered something not even I could understand.

"I- no- I mean…"

"Siri…" James tried. "Take a breath and then start over. What are you trying to say? Do you know this Grey- skin- guy?"

"Not exactly…" I did as I was told and pulled for a deep breath. "My parents does… He sort of…" I couldn't help but to feel shivers go through my body at the thoughts of all terrible that monster had done. "…specializes in children. He gets in trouble, then, when he gets in fights and has unfinished business with someone. He searches up their children and then… when the full moon comes…" I swallowed and tried to think of the right way to express myself. Some way that would hurt Remus as little as possible. "When the full moon comes shining and Fenrir Greyback changes- he still knows exactly what he's doing. And he makes sure he's close so when it does… everything he has to do is to…"

"…Come climbing through the bedroom window." Remus finished the sentence for me. "Yeah…" He had turned some in- between- color from pale as a sheet, grey and green, stood up from his bed and started pacing back and forth in front of the rest of us. "He did that to me… I always thought… I guess I always knew it was on purpose… I just didn't want to admit it to myself but I knew… That means… Those girls… Doris and Mary- Frank Longbottom's little sisters." Remus gripped hard in the fabric in his cloak as he would when he was stressed. "Uriah Gudgeon, Lauren Will… there are so many. They were so little…"

"How many kids did that guy bite?"

I gave Peter a stern look- he didn't mean anything bad with it but if there was anything Remus didn't need right now! Remus at this point had turned away and stood holding so tight onto the window sill his knuckles had whitened.

"He killed them…" James had gotten up even though we were all still in loss of what to do. "…Just like that. If it wasn't for my dad then I'd have been just another one in line, one of all of them he meant to kill. Oh- oh- oh my God."

Remus had moved his hands up to his face and started hyperventilating. Not that I could blame him…

Overwhelmed by all what he was feeling- I could hardly imagine and beat myself up for bringing all of this up while Remus was clearly already struggling, and weakened by the full moon night coming closer. Remus suddenly fell to his knees and threw up, then threw up again without barely being able to catch his breath, and again.

"Oh damn…" James mumbled and quickly got up, kneeled by Remus and laid a palm towards his back. "That's okay Remy. It's okay, just try to relax."

Remus soon had nothing left to throw up and even though grimacing and hugging his still cramping stomach he finished heaving.

"Come on, let's get you into bed now. Come on. Up." James carefully led Remus to stand up. "You should take it easy for now. I'll explain it to Professor McGonagall and Professor Slughorn later. We won't get in any trouble. Now lie down. On the bed. Or I'll make you…"

"You should get to class. That's what you should do."

"No way are we leaving you right now. Professor McGonagall will understand. Here, just lie down you." James pulled up his wand from his pocket and waved it in the air while he slightly mumbled a spell and all the vomit that had scattered onto the floor and already dirty laundry disappeared into the air itself. "There, all clean. What are you doing up Mr. Lupin? I told you to lie down."

Remus was obviously too weak to protest because as soon as I was off his bed and pulled Peter with me he collapsed onto his side with shallow, shaky breaths. His eyes were open and he was looking around, but no words came from his half- opened lips and he seemed shaky and weak.

" _Making friends with a werewolf? With a MONSTER? What are you thinking?"_

I could hear my mother's voice in my head- I knew exactly what she'd be saying fi she was here. Ignoring the fact that it was her "friend" that was the monster and that had caused this for one of my best friends and so many other children.

"I'm so sorry Remus." I needed to say or do something, so I kneeled and sat down on my knees by his bed right in the middle of where I knew he saw me. "I'm sorry… I thought you might already know what… Fenrir's like. If I had known you didn't then I wouldn't have said it just like that… Or at least I'd have waited until you were stronger."

"It's okay." Remus' words were barely more than a whisper and sounded force and heavy. "I think I already knew. I think I've actually known for a long time. That I've known everything about what kind of monster… he made me."

"Remy…" I reached out my hand and rubbed his arm. "…You are NOT a monster. Nor now neither during the full moon. And even if it will so take up all my time I have left in this school I will find a way to prove it to you."

Painful gratefulness was shining from Remus's eyes. But he had obviously used up what little energy and fighting spirit he had to use for before tomorrow night. Because his eyelids were falling closed and somewhere sounding far away I heard James telling Peter to run to McGonagall and Slughorn to explain where we were.

Hopefully Peter wouldn't tell more than neither I nor Remus neither James wanted.

I could hear Remus's breaths going slower, stood up and then backed towards my own bed where James too came sitting down next to me.

"He sort of looks harmless like a little baby when he's sleeping. Don't you think so Siri? Maybe we should photograph it and then show and tell him. Maybe then he could believe us that he's not a monster."

"He's not a monster." I agreed only watching Remus while he turned to find a more comfortable sleeping position. "He could never be a monster."

"Can you tell me though? Or maybe we should wait until Peter can hear it too… Who is that Grey- skin guy?"

"His name is Greyback." I explained, if Peter came along I could repeat it. "He's a friend of my parents' And… Well…" I looked up and down Remus's arm where the sleeve was still pulled up revealing bites and scratch scars. "…He's the cause of all of that. And all because of some reason- he wanted revenge…"

 **XXX**

Right after midnight, December the 28th, during the Christmas holidays in my fifth year I had had enough.

I was standing outside by the street dressed in a warm travelling quote and looking back where I could now only see Grimmauld place number eleven and number thirteen. Number twelve had closed behind me once my shoes hit the pavement outside, I knew exactly what I had to do to get out of here, and my Hogwarts Trunk with all of the belongings I would ever need again was standing right by my foot. My wand was in my pocket and my fingers wrapped tightly around it, yet I couldn't get myself to do it.

Yet I still never wanted to go back through the door hidden behind me.

At last I held my breath while I pulled out my wand and held it out. I couldn't do any magic since I wasn't seventeen yet and not at Hogwarts. But right when I did it there was a loud "Bang" and a big, purple triple- decker bus turned up from nowhere.

"Welcome to the knight bus…" The man that stood in the open back door of the bus started introducing himself without greeting. "…Emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. My name is Branson Shunpike and I will be your conductor tonight." He suppressed a yawn. "Not that I'd understand why someone wants out of their house or even out of their bed at this time… Here. Let me take that." He stepped down onto the pavement and I up on the bus and through the aisle.

"You can choose one of the beds here on the ground floor." Mr. Shunpike told me from behind me when he had put my trunk into the luggage in the back. "They're all empty. We don't have many passengers at this time of day. It's only you and the old Mrs. Bagshot from Godric's Hollow." He waved upwards to show me she was on the higher floors. I sat down on one of the bed, pulled my feet up and crossed my legs. "Where are you headed?"

"Frozen Lake Avenue. The Potter house."

"Frozen Lake Avenue, Potter House." Branson Shunpike shouted. "Did you hear that Ern?"

"I sure did. We only need a ticket for the young man and then we're off.

"That will be thirteen sickles. Fifteen and you get a cup of hot chocolate, seventeen or a galleon and you get a hot water bottle and a tooth brush of a color of your choice." I dug in my pockets and pulled out a galleon that I stuck in Branson's hand. "Thank you. What color tooth brush do you want?" I sighed and just picked a random- I had just realized I forgot the old one back at Grimmauld place.

"Red please."

"LET'S GO."

"Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks." I tried to look away and ignore that annoying, disgusting shrunken head, it reminded me way too much of something of where I had just come from. "It's going to be a bumpy ride."

I had been riding this bus both day and night with my friends and with my family multiple times. But every time the jump of the whole bus when old Ernie Prang hit the gas pedal startled me and I almost fell over on my side. Still, I was quite relieved to finally be away from Grimmauld place.

Mr. Shunpike was too used to it, he didn't seem bothered at all while he walked back and forth in the bus and then came over to me with the hot water bottle and the tooth brush- both in bright, Gryffindor red.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome my young lad… MRS. BAGSHOT. WE'RE NEARING YOUR HOUSE NOW. What did you say your name was?"

"I didn't…" Was my first reaction just as Mrs. Bagshot came down from the bus's higher floors. "…It's Sirius sir. Sirius Black."

I could see on Mr. Shunpike's face that he recognized my last name.

He didn't say anything though, only took the door to open it when the bus stopped.

I didn't say anything neither. Even though I wanted to. I would have wanted to tell him that I wasn't one of them ones he thought I was. That I didn't share my family's opinions and I was just on my way to get away from all of that, all of what my name meant.

But I didn't. I just silently watched out the window on the world passing by outside and everything that could move and jump out of the way to the big, purple bus coming right at them. I didn't recognize anything until the bus stopped and I realized that this must be the village Godric's Hollow. I had only heard about it before, but always with a feeling that it was a nice place to live. And with the big two- store houses, a small church, a graveyard and a pub that feeling seemed to be proved right. Godric's Hollow was a place I would have liked to get off at and only walk through. It seemed like a nice place to live at and for some reason I couldn't even understand I had always thought so. Maybe I could at some point…

"Next stop. The Potter Household."

I couldn't wait to get off this bus.

But once it stopped with a bang outside the house I recognized very well, my bag was lifted out by Mr. Shunpike and I walked up the driveway towards the Potters' house I wasn't sure how on earth I would explain this to the ones that actually lived here.

Of course, James was my best friend and his parents had always made sure I was welcome at any ti I wanted, I even had my own key so I could get in without waking anyone up. But that only reminded me once again that I was here at

" _I WANT YOU OUT." Mum shouted at me, as loud as she would. As loud that I had just stopped listening years ago. "I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE. IF THE POTTER'S ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR FATHER AND I WHO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND YOUR BROTHER THEN GO TO THEM FOR ALL I CARE. I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SH*T."_

A person could only take so much and at last. After more than fifteen years I had gone to collect all of my things, leaving only enough of what I knew would annoy them the very most, and then stepped over the threshold.

If I could choose at this point I would never ever return to Grimmauld place.

When I carefully opened the door to the Potter's house and stepped over the threshold I was stuck in a feeling somewhere I didn't know what to do or feel. And it had me ending up freezing in the hallway deciding that at first I would just stay here and wake up for James and his parents to wake up.

"Young Mr. Black." I jumped high when I heard a voice. Then found it was just the Potters' house- elf Maylie. "It's in the middle of the night." Maylie yawned but covered it with her scrawny hand. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want Maylie to wake up young Mr. Potter, his best friend? Or Mr. or Mrs. Potter? Or should Maylie make you one of those grilled cheese sandwiches that Mr. Black likes so much? Or a cake? Maylie was just making a cake for tomorrow…" She yawned again but tried to cover it up. I put my trunk down on the floor with a thump and then sat down on it so I'd get closer to Maylie's own height.

"No thanks Maylie. I think right now I'd just like to be alone for a moment. You can go back to bed. I know you're tired, sorry for waking you up."

"Don't worry about Maylie, young Mr. Black. She wants to do anything he wants her to do."

"Right now I want Maylie to go back to bed and get another few hours of sleep… I just need to think. I promise you I'm fine."

For a moment it hit me how different Maylie and Kreacher were, Maylie polite also to me, smiling while she crawled up next to me and laid down half on the top of my trunk, half in my bag I couldn't help but smile. And maybe mostly that while Maylie of course couldn't wear real clothes, at least Mrs. Potter made sure that the pillow cases and towels Maylie was wearing were always clean and whole.

"Young Mr. Black doesn't look as if he wants to be alone. Maylie can see that. He can tell her if he wants Maylie to go."

"That's okay Maylie." I rubbed her shoulder. "It's nice of you to stay here with me."

Not even the house elf here was anything like the one back at Grimmauld Place.

 **XXX**

It had been a couple of years since we left Hogwarts, still. Every month when it was full moon we gathered at James and Lily's place to give Remus support when he came out of the wolf's body in the morning.

It was now in the middle of December.

Nothing seemed very special at all, but I did notice Lily and James looking towards each other and James looking kind of mischievous as if they were keeping a secret from the rest of us.

But it was almost Christmas so it would be the time for surprises I'd guess.

"GAH. I can't keep it secret anymore. I just can't." We had just finished breakfast in the living room when James hit his spoon towards his glass. "I've got something to say." James stood up, Lily next to him and they took each other's hands. "Well, actually we've got something to say and… Gosh. Now I'm nervous… Lily is…"

"No James. We are."

"But you are… I'm not."

"No James- I'm the boss here. This would not have been possible without you as you know. And I say we are."

"Then I guess you're right." James frowned funnily and bit his tongue. "The thing is… Lil… I mean we are… kind of having a little baby. A very little, tiny, brand new little marauder."

It took me a few moments to realize what they meant, then when Lily lifted her hand slightly and put it against her belly it sort of clicked and I felt my chin falling open.

"Oh you mean… You mean you… oh my gosh." I couldn't help but stutter and then flew onto my feet. "Lily." I embraced her, lifted her up and span around with her, lifted her from the floor. Lily squealed and giggled happily. James didn't seem as happy though. "I'm so happy for you… What's up Prongs?"

"Take it easy Padfoot." James side- hugged Lily and laid the other hand on her still flat belly. "We've got a mini- James or mini- Lily in here to worry about… But it's a good thing you're stronger now. I can remember the first time we met. And hopefully nothing similar will happen the first time you meet him or her."

"Come on James. Take it easy, I'm not made of glass. And mini-me or mini- you is very well protected inside of here. Sirius can pick me up and spin me around every time he wants."

"Well I have to do it once again, once for you and once for the baby."

Once again I lifted up Lily and span around with her again. She squaled once again and giggled, just like Wormtail did when I moved over and span around with him too.

"Well…" Prongs couldn't hide a smile when I picked him up. "If this made all of you happy then I can't wait until in ten years or so when we'll have a whole bunch of mini- marauder's." Lily rolled her eyes at him. "What? No way am I stopping at one."

"I didn't think you will… Sirius take it easy."

I had sort of forgotten what tonight had been, picked up Moony and span around with him after James. When I remembered and stopped abruptly he moaned and I heard on the way he sounded that it really did hurt.

"I'm sorry." I carefully placed him down on the sofa again. "I'm sorry Moony I'm sorry. I completely forgot I'm sorry."

"Shut it Padfoot." Moony said in an annoyed tone. "You know I just love it when you forget it. I'm not made of glass neither. Lil… Lily no…" Lily had started fussing over him, feeling his forehead for a temperature and asked something I couldn't hear. "I'm fine. This is the same as it was all of the times Siri didn't lift me up… and I'm so happy for you guys. You're going to be the best parents ever."

"Don't you two dare to do it without letting me watch him grow up too. I want to be a part of every little thing of little mini marauder's life."

I could see James pout slightly. He always got jokingly jealous when Lily was as much as looking as somebody else than him. So then to see her fuss over Remus like she was.

"Thanks Lily." Remus leaned his head to the side to get away from Lily's hand when she tried to feel his forehead again. "I'm not ill I'm just… you know… Anyway… Once again I'm really happy for you guys. A mini marauder."

"Even shorter than Wormtail. Won't he?" Our shortest friend stuck his tongue out at James for making one of his terribly bad jokes. "Or she… But I have a feeling. I think it's a boy… But anyway… We wanted for you all to be here when we told you because Padfoot…" Lily sent him a glare. "Oh yeah. Sirius? There's something we wanted to ask you about." James put his arm around Lily again and they looked to each other, Lily slightly nodded.

"What?" I couldn't help but jump where I stood. "Don't leave me hanging. What? What? Whatwhatwhat?"

"We…" James voice was now slower than ever and I could see on the look in his eyes he was doing it to annoy me. "…were sort of wondering if you'd do us the honor to be little mini- James' or mini- Lily's godfather."

I couldn't help but to freeze where I stood and my chin dropped even more while I looked from James, to Lily who smiled brighter than I had ever seen her before, she nodded towards me and I looked back to James.

"Me." I pointed to myself. "A Godfather? Are you serious?" Lily nodded again. "ME? A godfather? Me."

"YES." James shouted and interrupted me at last. "Yes, you. But we do still have time to change our minds and if you just can't understand that we've chosen you I might."

"Me…. Are you crazy?"

James and Lily were looking as if they'd started doubting if they were crazy or not. We all knew the answer anyway but for me as a godfather…

"Well…" Lily reached up and ruffled in James's hair. "To be together with this one I'd need to have my fair share of crazy. To be together with him knowing that being together with him I sort of get you four as a package deal… answer yes, we are crazy… But a good kind of crazy and… I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Hey…" I couldn't help to sit down on my knees by Lily and stare at her belly as if I could see the baby in her with some x-ray vision. "…My name is Sirius. And I am your daddy's best friend…" I paused when I couldn't think of anything else to say, but still everything that was on everybody's minds were creeping into my mind even though I would have wanted to ignore it by now at least. "…There are a lot of scary things going on out here right now. And none of us quite knows where it's going to lead but… when you're here and see it you might get a bit scared. But… that's okay. Because your mummy loves you, and your daddy loves you. And I love you. And uncle Moony and uncle Wormtail loves you too. So there are a lot of people who loves you."

I couldn't help but to look up on Lily for a second, then felt something clench in my stomach when I thought about what had happened to her parents, and to Mr. and Mrs. Potter.

"There might come a time when you don't think that you haven't got a lot of people…" I tried to shove away all thoughts about how lonely I had been growing up. "…But really you have all of us in here and that is quite awesome if I can say it myself. And some people might not think so but I can say to you that even though we might not be related by blood. We, you and I, and mummy and daddy, and Uncle Moony and Uncle Wormtail are all one big happy family."

"I'd say quite a crazy family." Lily smirked at me when I stood up again. "Whoever is normal it is definitely not us!"

"Who's normal then?"

For once both I and James were quiet again, as I put my arm around his shoulders and looked at him with something first I couldn't quite place words on.

"Nice job Prongs." I said at last. "First little baby marauder… Not bad."

James didn't say anything at first, and for a moment when I moved to hold my hands behind my back we both just looked around for a second. Our short, fat friend Peter who never finished eating his breakfast, Remus who seemed weak and aching where he half laid in the sofa and Lily who was fussing over him.

"I can't wait to see the rest of my life with this big, not- normal, crazy, happy, marauder- family only growing bigger."

 **...sob.**

 **(It was Sirius who said that last.)**

 **English is not my first language. If you see any mistakes in spelling or grammar or anything, please let me know about them and I'll make it right next time.**

 **I might write some more oneshots- with Sirius having Christmas at the Potter's and about when they wake up to find Sirius have run away and arrived at their house in the middle of the night… I would have wanted to write it here but it just didn't fit.**

 **I don't know whether the second of September they'd have lessons right away in the mornings. I made it that they would have lessons from after lunch, after all they celebrate all through the night the night before so they could use some sleeping in. But I probably got it wrong, anyway- I don't want to go back and change it all right now, so let's just pretend that's the way they do it. It would make the most sense if they did it like that anyway.**

 **Random fact (I always leave one or more in the end of chapters)**

When meeting the first time, James tells Sirius that Potter's have a weird way of making friends… well, do you remember "There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them"…

The title "four plus one plus one" is both referring to the scenarios. Four with his family, fifth as he's had enough and decides to leave. And then the last when he realizes his friends were his real family all along.

I know that in the part where the guys have figured Remus is a werewolf it might seem like it- I do not however ship Wolfstar (Remus/ Sirius) as a couple.

Somehow I ended up with loads of facts for this one haha- the name Maylie came when I was trying to think of a name suitable for a house elf. I was watching "the dumping ground" and right when I thought about it May- Li said something and there it was!


End file.
